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March 8, 2010
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What went on behind the scenes of making Dissidia!

(Order's Sanctuary, after Warrior of Light's story)
Shantotto: UNO! (points at Gabranth)
Gabranth: NOOOOOOOO! (picks up the center pile of cards and throws them in the air in exasperation) I was going to call it! Why did you call it? How did you say it so FAST?
Cosmos: She got it fair and square. (Lays down her second to last card) UNO!
Shantotto: DRAT!
Cosmos: Oh, shoot! Cameras are on us! Quick, let's start talking about something vague and cosmic and try to look mysterious!

(Onion Knight and Terra's first meeting with Kefka)
Kefka: You don't remember? You-
Onion Knight: EEEAAAARGH! (charges)
Terra: Onion! You're not supposed to charge yet! You're supposed to let him finish the monologue!
Onion Knight: But he was annoying me…

(Ultimecia's Castle, Squall's Story)
Squall: I'm not alone.
Zidane: (charges in to knock Garland off the ramp, but knocks Squall off instead)
Squall: That's it. I officially have no friends now, Zidane.
Zidane: Awwwwwhhhh…

(Ultimecia's Castle, Squall's Story)
(Ultimecia freezes time, stopping Squall in his tracks. The camera swoops upside down as Ultimecia duplicates. She proceeds to take out a black Sharpie marker and draw a big mustache on Squall's face.)
Nomura: Ulty, that's not what we agreed you'd do…

(Lunar Subteranne, after Onion Knight's Story)
Cloud of Darkness: (prepares to zap Terra)
Kefka: (pushes her hand out of the way with a giggle)
Cloud of Darkness: NO TOUCHY! (slaps Kefka)
Nomura: Miss Darkness, the scene says you're supposed to let him stall your attack…
Cloud of Darkness: Fine, fine! But you only get ONE more of those!

(Kefka's Tower, Terra's Story)
Cloud: We'll take care of her! (motions to Cloud of Darkness)
Terra: Okay! And I'll…(looks back at Kefka) Actually, can we trade?

(Chaos' Throne)
Garland: No, there is something I must tell you. I…AM YOUR FATHER! (breaks down in hysterical laughter)

(Crystal World, Zidane's Story)
Zidane: (gives Kuja puppy eyes)
Kuja: Stop that!
Zidane: (pout)
Kuja: Awwwhhhh…cut it out…
Zidane: (whimper)
Kuja: Okay, FINE! You win!

(Tidus' Story)
Cecil: But you have family on the other side too.
Tidus: Yeah…
Zidane: Hello! So do I! What are Kuja and I, chopped liver?

(First encounter with Jecht, Tidus' Story)
Tidus: You're hurt…
Jecht: Well? Fight me already!

(Dream's End, Tidus' Story)
Tidus: (pulls out Potion)
Jecht: That had better be real and not some excuse to pull an unscripted stunt where you beat up on me while I'm wounded like last time!
Tidus: Actually, it is a bad excuse. This jar is filled with grape soda. (Drinks it and charges) RAAAAAAAGH!

(Dream's End, Tidus' Story)
Jecht: That's it…I'll get him to play out this story right once and for all…
Tidus: (pulls out Potion)
Jecht: You don't still cry at clowns, do you?
Tidus: Huh?
Kefka: BOO!
Kefka: I wasn't going to until you suggested it…

(Kefka's Tower, Terra's Story)
(Terra disappears during the chase)
Kefka: What? I wanted to play more!
Sephiroth: I'm always up for a game of shishkebab-my-rival.
Kefka: You can't get over the fact that most discerning critics call me the better villain, do you?
Sephiroth: EX BURST! HELL'S GATE! (stab)
Nomura: Medic…
Tidus: Have Jecht's Potion!

(Kefka's Tower, Terra's Story)
Kefka: What? I wanted to play more!
Sephiroth: Speaking of playing games, I think I won. Look at my alternate outfit. It's just a pair of leather pants and no shirt. Now everyone can see what a sexy, sexy villain I am.
Kefka: Oh yeah? (changes into alternate outfit) I have a…pink…cape…
Sephiroth: You just could never get over the fact that most fangirls and people with common sense call me the better villain, could you?
Kefka: EX BURST-
Sephiroth: HELL'S GATE! (stab)
Nomura: Medic…

(Kefka's Tower, Terra's Story)
Kefka: What-I-wanted-to-play-more. Sephiroth, let's just get it over with.
Sephiroth: Awww, you ruin all my fun.
Kefka: You ruin all my scenes.
Sephiroth: HELL'S-
Kuja: Hey, guys, guess what? According to internet polls, most people with common sense, discerning critics, and fangirls say I'm a better villain than both of you!
Sephiroth: WHAT THE-
Kefka: BUT HOW?
Kuja: Well, you guys just never noticed because you compare against each other. You forget about me.
Kefka: HAVOC WING! (stabs Kuja)
Sephiroth: HELL'S GATE! (aims for Kuja, but stabs Kefka at the last minute)
Kuja: Owwwiiieeeee…my poor puppy-eyed face…
Nomura: Medic…or at least some Kuja fangirls with a lot of band-aids…
Emperor: And hey, all the OLD SCHOOL Final Fantasy players actually remember that I'M the best villain, so there!

(Dissidia opening)
(A volcano erupts; in it you can see silhouettes of ten villains)
Nomura: CUT! Stop! Something's wrong with the aesthetics. I don't like it.
Sephiroth: Should I move to the forefront a little more?
Emperor: Is my glitter falling off? Should I reapply my makeup?
Nomura: No, it's not that…okay, I got it! I don't like who we have last in line.
Seymour: You want me to go first?
Nomura: No…actually, fans don't like you very much, and your presence kinda messes up the line because you aren't impressive. I think I'm gonna go ahead and just give Jecht your part. Then we can even do some father-son dynamic to go with the brother dynamic of Cecil and Golbez.
Kuja: And me and Zidane…
Nomura: Anyway, Seymour, you're kinda fired. In fact, I'm not sure why I made you the main villain of X in the first place.
Kefka: Yeah…Seymour's a weirdo.
Sephiroth: Anyone wanna comment on the fact that HE just said that?
Seymour: (starts crying)
Sephiroth: (points to Seymour) Can I Hell's Gate him now?
Nomura: Sure, why not.
Sephiroth: HELL'S GATE! (stab)
Nomura: Sephiroth…that was the wrong guy…you hit Kefka…
Sephiroth: Sorry, force of habit.

(Warrior of Light's Story)
Warrior of Light: (has a Zidane puppet on one hand) We have to find the crystal, everybody! (makes the Squall puppet on the other hand reply in a deep monotone) Right. That's how we're going to save Cosmos. (Zidane puppet) You guys are my best friends ever! (normal voice) Don't flatter me, Zidane. (Sees camera is on) OH, SO SUE ME! IT WAS YOU GUYS WHO HAD THE BRIGHT IDEA OF GIVING ME NO TRAVELING COMPANIONS! I GET LONELY OUT HERE!

Emperor: Nomura, I have a little problem with the script.
Nomura: Yes, Emperor?
Emperor: That's just it. I have a real name. It's Mateus Palamecia. This script keeps referring to me as "The Emperor."
Nomura: Your real name is too hard to pronounce.
Emperor: As if people haven't been fighting over the pronunciations of "Tidus" and "Jecht" for EVER!
Nomura: It's also too long to fit on a PSP screen.
Nomura: You want me to remake the entire PSP system just to accommodate the name of one character in one game?
Emperor: But it's not just any character! It's ME! I'm the EMPEROR!

(Planet's Core, Warrior of Light's Story)
Warrior of Light: The wild rose! That must be what Firion came for!
Sephiroth: Yes-
Kefka: SNEAK ATTACK! HAVOC WING! (KO's Sephiroth)
Warrior of Light: (takes wild rose) I'll take THAT. (puts on a Firion puppet) Wowie, Mr. Warrior of Light! Thank you so much for getting me back my wild rose! (normal voice) It was nothing, Firion.

Terra: I'm so glad they let me go by "Terra." My real name is Tina, and that's just no fun. It's so normal!
Onion Knight: Why wouldn't they let me go by Luneth?
Terra: Because the real Luneth is a miniature emo.
Onion Knight: Good point. But as he is my alter ego, we should have the same name. I can be the HAPPY Luneth.
Firion: I'm pretty sure my Japanese name is Frionel. I don't have a preference, but still, it's confusing to have two names.
Terra: Why do you think they wouldn't let the Emperor use his real name?
Firion: Too long to fit on the screen.
Ultimecia: I sometimes wonder if my name was really supposed to be Artemisia…I mean, that's an actual NAME.
Firion: All right, we've all shared our real names. Now will you finally tell us yours, Bartz?
Bartz: Cosmos help me…
Firion: It can't be that bad!
Bartz: …Butz.
Firion, Terra, Onion Knight, Ultimecia: (all burst out in uncontrollable laughter)
Terra: I think I'd prefer Tina!
Onion Knight: Suddenly I'm fine with not being Luneth!
Ultimecia: Ultimecia is a VERY good name indeed!

(Cloud's Story)
Cloud: And now for the obligatory "My hair looks like a Chocobo" joke. (clears throat) Kweh.
Bartz: (glomps Cloud's head) BOCO!
Cloud: Now that that's out of the way, all we need to do is make a Kuja-looks-like-a-woman joke and our cliché quota will be filled.

(The Rift, Bartz's Story)
Kefka: So…wait. You mean…you're NOT a woman?
Kefka: But I bought you chocolates!
Kuja: That is disturbing on so many levels.
Cloud: And there's our quota.

(First encounter with Sephiroth, Cloud's Story)
Cloud: Not interested.
Sephiroth: Really? You don't want to fight me?
Cloud: Um…really…
Sephiroth: Awesome! Thank you so much! Now I can go kill Kefka and still have some spare time before I get back to you! Honestly, he was getting on my nerves!

(Zidane's Story, after Ultimecia's Castle)
Zidane: All we need to do is follow that light! Hang in there, Bartz.
Squall: What the…
(Squall's crystal's light has led them into a strange small town)
Munchkins: We represent the lollipop guild!
Zidane: COOL!
Squall: I think the crystal sent us the wrong way…

(Camera zooms in on Cloud of Darkness and Kefka, who are making out heavily. Cloud of Darkness suddenly stops, noting the camera in her peripheral vision. Her eyes narrow, and she holds up a hand filled with dark energy. There is a CRASH sound and the camera goes black.)
Cameraman: OH GOD, THE PAIN!

(Closing Scene)
Squall: Maybe we can all go on an adventure together again.
Cloud: Not interested.
Squall: Actually, Cloud, you kinda have to be. There's this little project called "Kingdom Hearts" we have to talk about…


Sephiroth: HELL'S GATE!
As a companion piece to my "Kingdom Hearts Bloopers," this one almost wrote itself. And a lot of it is based on thoughts I had while playing the game!!! Especially the last bit with Cloud, Squall, and that LINE...

P.S. CoD/Kefka is my Dissidia OTP. Get over it. And also, the Emperor has a name.
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COLUMBINE15NZ Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Kefka: I have
TAKE THAT KEFKA FANS WHO BASH SEPHIROTH!!!!! I can't stop laughing!!!! XD
darkshadow278 Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2013
Despite me being a Kefka fan that line is too funny.
COLUMBINE15NZ Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
It was pretty good. :) I'm not talking about all Kefka fans. Just the ones that bash every other villain besides him. He's actually a pretty cool guy :D
TMIPITW Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2012
I L.O.V.E. this! Part of me wants to draw it too...not sure, but still, this is hilarious!
Drkslayer-Valencia Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I died laughing when Sephiroth kept killing Kefka. xDD this is hilarious!
xXFokkussuXx Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Only rofled while reaging this XD Good work!
CloudCalm Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2011
Those quotas scare me...
Mercy-kun Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2011
Awesome! XD

Poor Mateus. :( <3
HeySoulSilverComets Featured By Owner Jul 22, 2011   Digital Artist
The closing is HILARIOUS!
Rose110 Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
ha! The rivalry between Sephy and Kefka made my day along with everything else XD
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