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Ask MarLar

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ASK MARLAR
Behold the newest column in Worlds Scene Magazine: Ask MarLar! Marluxia and Larxene are the Nobodies with the knowledge on all things stylish, social, and sweet! Have a pressing question? Write in to Ask MarLar, and have these partners in crime deliver an answer!
Marluxia: But no refunds if you don’t like our advice.
Larxene: I wish they wouldn’t call us MarLar. It makes it sound like we’re a couple or something. Anyway, let’s open the mail bag and see what we got.

Dear MarLar:
I have a wonderful boyfriend…for the most part. But lately I’ve been afraid he’s cheating on me! I’m so heartbroken, and I don’t know if I can trust him anymore! What do I do?
Jessie from Twilight Town

M: Well, Jess, if he’s cheating on you, that means one thing: you’re ugly. Either that, or the mistress is…but then again, usually the pretty mistress is the one who knows about the ugly one, and the ugly one is the one who has to find out the hard way, so it’s you.
L: Remember: he’s innocent until proven guilty! Once proven guilty, he deserves to have his fingers bitten off one by one, and you should act accordingly.

Dear MarLar:
My dog ran off for the seventh time this month! I can’t find him, and I’m getting really worried! What am I supposed to do?
Billy from Twilight Town

M: You have to find a way to keep your dog at home. May I suggest an electrified prison cell and shackles?
L: Looks like you might have to get a new dog. And let this one know that if it runs off, it’s gonna get a beating that would make Sephiroth wince.

Dear MarLar:
I’ve had a problem for a while. Two women seem to be in love with me. They’re opposites, each beautiful in their own way. I can’t make up my mind who I care for more. I don’t want to hurt either of them. Please help me out.
C. from Radiant Garden

M: And this is a PROBLEM?
L: Marly! JERK! Don’t listen to Daisy-Head Jerkface, C. You are a one-woman man. You are not a two-timer! However, if you can’t make up your mind, how about you find a completely different woman? I mean, if two women love you, you’re obviously hot. My address is The Castle That Never Was, Room XII. Call me, babe.

Dear MarLar:
I’m confused. People have told me my outfit is ridiculous. What are the newest fall fashions I should pay attention to? I am, by the way, a man, so suggest masculine fashions.
S. from Radiant Garden

M: Well, pink is the new black. It’s also the new red, orange, yellow, green, indigo, blue, purple, brown, white, gray, and clear. Think pink!
L: Oh, gods, no. He said MASCULINE.
M: Real men wear pink!
L: Who told you that?
M: You know, we’re supposed to have client anonymity, but if you are who I think you are, Mr. S FROM RADIANT GARDEN, you know what I think would look really cool? A One-Pink-Winged Angel!
L: Oh, you’re not seriously going to recommend he dye his wing…actually, on second thought, that would be pretty hilarious. Go ahead, do it.

Dear MarLar:
Sigh. I feel like such a loser! I get scared easily, I screw up almost anything I try to do, and everybody in my neighborhood hates me. I’m really losing self esteem here. Can you help me?
D. from The World That Never Was

L: Always remember: be yourself. You are spectacular as you are, and you shouldn’t let anyone else bring you down. There’s no such thing as a loser.
M: Unless you’re a sitar-playing water mage whose answer to everything is running away…THEN you’re a loser!
L: Ouch! Good one, Marly! High five me!

Dear MarLar:
I am so ticked off! I don’t think I’ve ever been this ticked off in my life! My teacher just handed me about a thousand pages of homework! I can’t put up with this anymore!
H. from Twilight Town

M: Here’s a hint: if you have the time to be writing to us…
L: YOU SHOULD BE DOING YOUR HOMEWORK, BRAT!

Dear MarLar:
I’m sick of being a teeny little pixie. I feel like my real shape is supposed to be a human, but I’m a pixie instead. It’s making me…mad.
P. from Radiant Garden

L: I think Marly knows how you feel. I’m pretty sure he thinks his real shape is supposed to be a female.
M: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
L: Nyehhhhh.
M: Oh, you’re gonna get it…wait…what was the question again to begin with?

Dear MarLar:
From the beginning of time, I’ve always wanted to help my two best friends out on their adventures! The problem is, SOMETHING always happens so that I can’t! I get kidnapped, for example, or locked out of the door to darkness, or I get stuck at home while my friends run around and have all the fun. It’s almost like the game creator has something against me or something. Will I ever get my chance to shine?
K. from Destiny Islands

M: The question is, when will I shine? When will they realize that I am more fit to be Superior than that orange-eyed talks-to-inanimate-objects FREAK Xemnas?
L: It’s hard for us video game girls, isn’t it? Too bad I don’t have that problem! I have a HUMONGOUS role in Chain of Memories! So tough luck, sister!

MarLar—
World destroyed. Lilo gone! Nani gone! Lost. Ohana means family…but no ohana. Alone.
My name Stitch.

L: Go to Twilight Town. Seek out a boy named Billy.
M: You’re okay with electric fences and shackles, right?

Dear MarLar:
Everyone makes fun of me because of my height! If only I was a little taller, I’d finally get some respect!
C.L. from Oaky Oaks

M: C.L., I have a question for you: How’s the weather down there?
L: Careful, Marly! If his temper’s proportionate to his height, you’re in trouble!
M: Props, Larx.

Dear MarLar:
Yo, dudes, ‘sup? So here’s the deal: a lot of people are disgusted ‘cause my face is kinda ugly. I’ve got a big old scar on one side and I happen to be missing an eye. I’m wonderin’, kinda…is plastic surgery the way to go?
X. from The World That Never Was

M: No. Embrace your natural beauty, whether it be a scar or pink hair. Which is still manly.
L: Wait a minute…XIGBAR? You know, I have thought before that if you got rid of the scar, dyed out the gray in your hair, and got a glass eye put in, you’d actually be kinda hot. If that C. from Radiant Garden doesn’t get back to me, go ahead and have the surgery.
M: And you call ME the jerk?
L: Hey, I happen to have a hard time getting dates around here!
M: Oh, I wonder why?
L: DAISY HEAD!
M: MEDUSA!

Dear MarLar:
I have developed an irrational fear due to some childhood trauma. You see, when I was sixteen, I was put in an enchanted sleep. A year later, I had my heart removed. Now I’m afraid of being put to sleep by an evil magician at every turn! How do I calm my fears?
Aurora

M: Irrational? Sounds pretty rational to me.
L: You’re still a Princess of Heart, right? All I’m sayin’ is…watch your back, ‘cause the Organization’s watchin’ too.
M: Not that watching out will do any good…we’re sneaky like that.
L: See you in a few hours! And bring a book. We don’t put our captives to sleep, and it can get pretty boring in our prison cell if you don’t have the proper entertainment.

Dear MarLar:
Ummm…how do you tie shoes? I forgot.
Pete from Disney Castle (or at least I was before some pinheads exiled me)

L: Oh, gods.
M: There’s a Sesame Street marathon on tomorrow starting at 10. That should explain everything.

Dear MarLar:
I am haunted constantly by a nagging emptiness. No matter what I do, my very surroundings remind me that I am without a heart, and may very well never be whole. I am unsure how much longer I can take it…where is my heart? Where?
S. from The World That Never Was

M: Oh, not this again.
L: We don’t have hearts, and you don’t see us boo-hooing over it!
M: Will you get over it already?
L: You know, I never liked you.
M: Client anonymity, remember, Larx?
L: Oh, he knows I know. And he knows I don’t like him. Maybe if he shuts up and gets a pulse, he’ll finally be some fun.
M: But he can’t get a pulse. You need a heart for that. Which brings us back to where we were.
L: Dang! So you mean we gotta put up with him forever?
M: Unless we…you know…
L: Remember, Marly! Xemnas said that if you killed any more members, he’d demote you to number XV and give the post of XI to a Dusk!
M: Dang it.

Dear MarLar:
What are some good books you can recommend for this month?
B. from Beast’s Castle

M: Anything on gardening.
L: You would. Go for romance, B. Twilight’s pretty good…
M: YOU’RE A TWIHARD TOO? NOOOOO!
L: Ya got a problem with that?
M: Not my best friend! How could you? How could you become enslaved by such evil?
L: You’re just jealous because Edward Cullen is more man than you’ll ever be.

Dear MarLar:
THEY PAINTED THE ROSES BLUE!
The Honorable Queen of Hearts

M: Blue roses? Unconventional…but really pretty!
L: What are you waiting for? Off with their heads already!

Dear MarLar:
I am so disgusted, you wouldn’t even believe it. Do you know exactly HOW many pictures there are out there of me having yaoi RELATIONS with my best friend? And he’s a guy, and I’m straight! And he’s fifteen, and I’m TWENTY-TWO! EW! WHEN WILL THE MADNESS STOP??????
A. from The World That Never Was

M: From the World That Never Was? Didn’t we kick you out?
L: ANONYMITY!
M: Sorry. I mean, a guy like you seems like the kind we would’ve kicked out.
L: Sorry…you can’t stop the fangirls.
M: I should know. They keep saying I’m girly for some reason.
L: Oh, really? Girly? I wouldn’t have imagined.
M: Shut up.
L: Just try to ignore it.
M: Even though it plasters every fanart site on the web.
L: But that ain’t our problem, is it now?

Dear MarLar:
Hey! I’m a Disney character who is handsome and charming, but I haven’t been put in KH yet! I really want to be in it so badly! It looks like fun! Will I get my chance?
Mike from Monstropolis

L: Well, there’s a chance, all right. The series continues.
M: The thing is…Monstropolis? They’ll NEVER do that world.
L: The monsters in your closet are SO five minutes ago. What’s in NOW is nature-loving trash-compacting robots in outer space. So unless you can make trash cubes and get a space suit, I’d keep dreaming.

Dear MarLar:
If 42 is the Answer…
THEN WHAT IS THE QUESTION?
V. from The World That Never Was

M: Ooh! Ooh! I know this one! The Question is…WHY ARE YOU ASKING US THIS CRAP?
L: No, I believe the Question is…how did you become such an insufferable nerd?

Dear MarLar:
I think some people are startin’ to get sick of my catchphrase, y’know? Should I change it?
R. From Twilight Town, y’know?

M: NO CATCHPHRASES. I had to live in the same building as a guy with a catchphrase once. Do you have any idea how annoying it is to go through a whole day of, “Got it memorized? Got it memorized? Got it memorized? Got it memorized? Got it memorized? Got it memorized? Got it memorized? Got it memorized?” YA DANG IDIOT, I GOT IT MEMORIZED ALREADY! NOW CAN YOU PLEASE STOP?
L: You think that’s bad? That’s not the worst one I’ve had to suffer.
M: Oh, really? Enlighten me.
L: AS IF! AS IF! AS IF! AS IF! AS IF! AS IF! AS IF! AS IF! AS IF! AS IF! AS IF! AS IF! AS IF! AS IF! AS IF! AS IF! AS IF! AS IF! AS IF! AS IF! AS IF! AS IF! AS IF! AS IF! AS IF! AS IF! AS IF! AS IF!
M: You’re right. That IS annoying. We shall have to have a little talk with Xigbar later about that one.
L: …talk?
M: You know, the kind of talk that involves scythe-swinging and kunai-flinging?
L: Now you’re speaking my language!
M: Are there ANY questions in this mailbag that weren’t written by losers? Oh, here! I found one!

Dear MarLar:
Who is the most beautiful Nobody in Organization XIII?
Marluxia

M: That’s easy! It’s me!

Pick up next week’s issue to read more of Ask MarLar! Remember: if you have questions, send them in…at your own risk!
Don't ask. Just go with it.

Did you figure out who sent each of the letters? Some of them were obvious, and some spelled right out.

Billy is just the name I gave to the lost-dog kid.
© 2009 - 2024 JaceyRae
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Supersoniclovesong's avatar
now i cant get the image of pink haired sephiroth out of my head! :iconimhighplz: